The World Of Bren

My World Seen Through My Eyes And All Kinds Of Other Crap

When you know that you are dying…but nobody else does.

on September 5, 2013

The flu has been creeping up silently on me for the past week and it has finally dug its evil little claws into my body.  I have been gaily pretending that I have not felt it happening and have been taking the odd Corenza-C here and there to boost my immune system but to no avail.  They say that the mind is a powerful tool – my mind? Not so much on the power-thing.  I have been diligently thinking “I’m not sick, I’m not sick, I’m not sick” but my mind has had other ideas.

I am sick.  My mind knows it. My body now also knows it.

I have resigned myself to the bed.  I am surrounded by my dogs, an old senile cat, 2 members of the CPP and a snow-storm of tissues.

There is nothing more boring than being in bed.  It is worse than watching grass grow.  

My bedside cupboard is cluttered with a variety of medicines which despite assurances of relieving congestion and pain have yet to prove themselves in that department. The throat spray is very entertaining – either there is something wrong with the mechanism or with my aim.  I have a sad feeling that it is my aim.  Or otherwise my throat jumps out the way every time I hit that nozzle.  My husband suggested I use it as a nasal spray…can you IMAGINE where it would end up then??

I don’t think I am a very good patient by any stretch of one’s imagination.  It is not a pretty sight.  I am worse than my husband when I am sick. My husband likes to pretend he is fine – he wants to still do everything he normally does when he is well.  Like makIng coffee, cooking supper, feeding horses, painting figurines, sculpting strange little gaming creatures, as well as working with potent chemicals that burn away all inner linings of exposed orifices.  I, on the other hand, go to 2 various levels of extremes. The first level is deniability. This I try to maintain for a good length of time.  It does work to a point.  But my immune system has never been strong and eventually caves under the pressure. Then we enter level two.  This is where I know that I am dying but nobody else seems to know.  I cocoon myself under the covers which is where I then determine that I need to stay at all costs.

When I state “at all costs” – I really mean it.  I may WANT coffee or lunch but the kitchen is too far and too cold to make it worth the indulgence at the end of the trip. If nobody offers to get it or bring it to me then I just go without.  But believe me, I am not above asking, or begging, for something to be brought to me. If I know that you are headed to the kitchen I will have a little list of important items for you to bring to me. I am not ashamed of this. I would do it for you if you were sick and herein lies my reasoning.

Sometimes a duvet-day is all my system needs to recover. 

When i am savvy enough to admit that yes, I am getting sick, and I take a duvet-day to keep my body warm and my system relaxed then it is just the whack of the nail on the head that my body needs. These are actually wonderfully productive days for me as I start working early on my laptop and continue through the entire day and most of the evening at a fast, steady pace.  A heavy load of e-mails get fired to my reps which results in groans and comments of “Boss, have you found your keyboard again?” or “I heard via my e-mails that you were working late…”  I normally plough through when I am sick and manage really well.

The problem is that when I have been struggling to admit that I am indeed sick the duvet-day is always a little bit too late for my system and then I really hit “woman down” status.  This means that I cannot even attempt to get some work done while sitting ensconced in the bed.  My vision is blurred, my mind is foggy, my ears are stuffed with cotton-wool, my nose is either blocked or running, and I can’t sit up for too long without feeling like I want to pass out. This is how I feel today so clearly no medicine is working any miracles.  I am also answering the minimal amount of e-mails required as I do not trust my judgment or thought processes. This is why I am blogging. It is much safer to continue to embarrass myself to my friends and followers rather than let many of my associates listen to my dodgy opinions and reasoning.

Today has been a long and slow day. I hate being still.  I hate my independence being reduced to lying on my back in bed counting the small spots on the ceiling and looking for imaginary faces in the curtains, cupboard wood grain, or duvet pattern. I am used to doing.  I am used to being on the go, being productive, not slowing to a man-down all-out stand-still…or in this case a “lie-still”. What a waste of a day.  Life is meant to be lived not spent lazing in bed with a head full of cotton-wool. 

Today I have read my book, spent time on Pinterest, Facebook, doodled in my creative book, and am now blogging.  And still I am unhappy and annoyed.  It is days like these where I am convinced that I am dying because surely, this is what it must feel like?  Certainly dying from boredom would be top of the list of experiences.  I very often then ask my husband, when feeling particularly bored, ill and desperate, to look after my FurKidz when I die.  I even go through the list of foods that they eat and the colors of the bags and the shape of the kibbles so that I am convinced that when I die they will be sufficiently looked after.  I then finish off with the statement “Want must die” which I really do want at the time.  Hell must be better than this boredom.  I breathe through my mouth and grumble and groan.  The bottom line is FRUSTRATION.  Pure, no-frills-attached frustration.

Nobody in this household takes me seriously – I’m dying, and they don’t acknowledge it.  I may be long past my Sell By Date and ready to be thrown out with the garbage  But they humor me and this makes me feel lots better.

I am insisting that I will be fine and fully better tomorrow.  I am tired of the spots on the ceiling, the faces in the wood grain and the duvet.  And this is only after ONE day in bed…

I am too passionate about my career to be lying here incapacitated so I will be generously sharing my germs with everyone tomorrow.

My sympathies if you are sick in bed.  I feel your pain.

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5 responses to “When you know that you are dying…but nobody else does.

  1. Dia says:

    Clear, fun, and interesting post for somebody on their last leg. 🙂 I rarely get physically ill which means that I’m a terrible invalid, too!

  2. kitten70 says:

    i am so glad am not the office tomorrow unless u sending germs via email. :- ) get well soon

  3. kitten70 says:

    anti virus updated today .. enjoyed EoM,

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